I know I havn't posted any write-up in a long time. I just never have time to sit down in one-spot. I have been crazy busy, but I have so much ramdon thoughts to write about.
The title is based on this post by Linda Ikeji, one of my fave bloggers, and it definately moved me. She was brutally honest and genuine, and I admire her so much more now. I usually found her blog more like a magazine, and less like a blog, but this post erases that perception. I have been having the same problem with my posts. Because my blog is not anonymous, and has put me in trouble several times(yes I have gotten calls from random people about my posts), it means I am more and more careful about what I write. I have been avoiding putting any personal stuff on it, and focused on writing articles, kinda like Linda's blog. But like she said, there is not point having a blog and not being able to express yourself, so I will try to hold back as little as possible now. Here goes nothing::
I am worried. I am at cross roads in my life, and I am not sure what to do. Majority of the big decisions in my life have been taken in conjuction with my parents. Thankfully, they have never directed me wronglly, and I have no regrets. But it has gotten to the stage where they always ask me what I want, and the truth is that I do not know. I have a rough idea but I do not know for sure. I am constantly second guessing myself and in doubt, and it is a shit feeling. I am worried about:
My dissertation- It is proving difficult and elusive. As usual, I left it to the last minute, so I have 2weeks to write on a topic that I have barely researched on because I was working most of the summer in London. I am just hoping for a pass right now.
Getting a job- This is my biggest worry. I am even scared of completing my dissertation because then I have to figure out what to do next. Right now I am hoping to get a job here and work till next year June before I go to law school. But there is the option of going back home and starting my NYSC. This is not something I want to do right now, but the prospects of getting a satisfying job are very very slim, especially in law. Legal jobs are so hard to get, it is unbelievable. The truth is that I am not really interested in working a random 9-5 job just to get by, as I know it is only a matter of time before I get bored and want to jump out of the office window. I am restless and constantly need a challenge to stay sane. If only I could get paid to blog all day........dreams.......
The other option is to do the LPC and become a qualified lawyer here, I am not really interested in doing that, as I do not see the point if I am not going to stay here in the long-run. Besides, it is mostly property, equity and public law which I hated during my undergrad, and I dont want to go through that again. I think I want to work for now.
I hate cross-roads. I have never been in a position where I do not know what I am doing next, and it is a shit feeling.
Homelessness-I get kicked out of my apartment in 2 weeks, to co-incide with the end of uni, and I am homeless. I might have no choice but to live my relatives, and that is definately a last resort. Because I do not know where I might get a job, I do not want to get another flat here, and be stuck with a 6months tenancy that I do not need. I love having my own space so this sucks.
Relationships-This year has been so dramatic in the love department. Too many guys have come and gone, and I have again come to my conclusion that Nigerian guys are mostly useless, lol. Miss L.C always says it is not about quantity but about quality, and the quality around is so low, its almost non-existent. I have met so many guys that are so full of shit that it is part of thier DNA! But at the same time, I have met several special guys that have given me alot of love(and troubles). I am worried that I am losing my faith in the male species, and losing the belief of finding the one. I am worried that I will never find someone I can be in love with long enough to get committed to, or worse still get married. Which leads to my other problem: I get bored so easily. I find it exciting when I meet someone new, and I am getting to know them, feeling infatuated, and then ............I get bored. It is a pattern with me, that few guys have been able to break. I am worried that a time will come when I will find someone great but will eventually get bored!
Settling Down-I am worried about the thought of having to commit to one person for the rest of my life. The thought of forever and ever daunts me like crazy. I was at my cousins wedding in New York a week ago, and everyone kept praying for my own time to come, and it was all so funny to me. At least I have the excuse of school now, once I start working, the calls from my mum, aunts and relatives will start piling in, like they have for all my older cousins and it worries me. The worst part is that those same cousins that went through the whole thing and were complaining are the ones giving me the same lecture about settling down. This also brings me to my next worry
Flirting- I am a flirt. It is a problem I have had since the day I discovered boys. Also I find it challenging when a guy I am flirting with does not respond. I take it as a personal affront and do not take rejection very well. This is a very deadly combination. I have yet to find a guy who I like enough to make stop me flirting with other guys. Therefore I am worried that if I do settle down, I will have to stop flirting, and I do not know how. And no, I am not a slag!LOL
Health- I am worried about my health. Lately, I have been very well, but I am worried it will not last. Most importantly, I am worried that I when I move back to Nigeria, I will not have access to the medicines and healthcare I have here. Coupled with the threat of Malaria and other tropical diseases, I am worried I will cannot cope there anymore.
Writing- I am worried that I am not a good writer. Because I love writing and reading so much, I constantly compare myself to other amatuer writers such as S.B and my fear that I do not measure up seem to be getting greater. I was recently asked to write for a Nespaper in london, and I have not been able to submit anything because like I said earlier I have a fear of rejection(is there a dictionary word for that fear lol)
Failure-And finally, I have a fear of failure. Because I am drifer and dreamer, I have never had one direction/focus. I love/enjoy so many things that I have always had a fear of being a jack of all trades. I never stick at one thing long enough to be great at it. I am always average.The best example is sports. I have done fencing, badmington, table tennis, yoga, pilates and lately swimming. But I never go for more than 10 classes in any of them before I get bored and give up!LOL I am worried that this will be a life pattern. I guess I can console myslef becauseI have never quit school. I just hope I dont give up on this blog someday!
Those are my worries, it feels good to share!