Disclaimer-A bit on d dirty side......but then arent we all?? lool
1. Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They began getting friendly with some of the women in a physical way, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a cop," said the first man. "All right, shoot his penis off!" said the Sheik.He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second. "All right, burn his penis off!" said the Sheik.Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
2. A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "Let's make a demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
3. A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.Inside, he finds couple in bed.He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner's wife to the bedthe convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,then gets up & goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!He's probably spent a lot of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous.If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.Be strong, honey. I love you!'His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear.He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.Be strong honey. I love you too
4. A 95-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!""That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
5. A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."The priest asks, "What did you do?"The woman says, "I committed adultery."Priest: "How many times?"Woman: "Three times."Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."Priest: "What did you do?"Man: "I committed adultery."Priest: "How many times?"Man: "Three times."Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."Rabbi: "What did you do?"Woman: "I committed adultery."Rabbi: "How many times?"Woman: "Once."Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."