Palmgroove Letters Part 7

Palmgroove Letters Part 6 can be found HERE

Dear Naffy,

            I bet the first thing that came to your mind as you saw this letter was to toss it in the trash. I am really glad you decided to open it as my biggest fear was that you would not give me a chance to explain myself.  I remember how much you loved the letters Abu wrote to you so I decided to try it.

There are a number of things you do not know about me, just like there are numerous things I do not know about you. I have always had a plan for my life as I have told you many times, I hope to be the youngest Senior Advocate of Nigeria, extremely wealthy and philanthropic all at the same time, yes I want to have it all. That is why you see me busting my balls all the time. I have also toyed with the idea of academia like my father, but I am way too restless and love the finer things in life a bit too much to accept a salary. Every time my father tried to pressure me into starting my Phd, this was the only excuse I could give. My mum would like me to do it as well, but I know deep down she would rather I wasn’t in a working environment full of young over enthusiastic students.

The older I get, the more I seem to make the same mistakes I resent my dad for. I have actually researched how much of a person’s social behaviour can be attributed to genetics( I know I’m geeky) because some of the choices I have made over the past couple of years resonate so much of him, that he might as well have made them himself.

Because my mother has accepted my dad’s indiscretions and still loves him, I looked for someone who would love me despite mine. That was the initial reason I fell for Moyin. Although my mum and her do not get along because they are very different, they both have the unshakable ability to love unconditionally and forgive repeatedly. I do try to be a good man to her in most ways, however I think my constant infidelity will eventually break her because she is not as strong as she makes out to be.

I made a decision to commit once I moved back to Nigeria as I have pretty much seen it all. It had not been very hard, especially because I find girls in Lagos to be of very little substance.

That was all until I met you. You do not fit into my life plan. There is something about you, I am sure there must be a word to describe it but I have not come across it yet. It is that ability to not care at all and to care so much all at the same time. The way you appear so cold and are yet so warm. The way you fit into the box of ‘a bad girl’ but at the same time condemn Farida for being one. The way you refuse to drink alcohol and yet smoke everything that grows. The way you are so brilliant with numbers and yet have never finished a novel. The way you never apologise for who you are. The fact that you don’t realise just how beautiful you are. The pride you take in being you.

Every minute I have spent with you has stirred up feelings of passion I never knew I could feel. Not lust, because I have felt plenty of that before. Not love, because I have felt that too. But pure, unapologetic and unparalleled passion. I remember the first time I saw the movie Troy, I thought to myself how do people go to war over love. I felt love and I didn’t think it was worth going to war over because you can love and love again. But I now understood that they went to war because of the passion they felt. That passion for your cause, for your country, for your woman is what makes a hundred man army defeat an army of thousands. Passion is what makes a couple fight one minute and make love the next. It is what makes you stay.

I am so glad I met you, because before you, I was so sure I had it all. I now realise that the reason Moyin has stayed so long with me is because she feels that passion for me. I feel that passion for you. I know you feel it too. You don’t have to say it, I see it when you stare at me ramble on about things you have no interest in. When you hold me close and tell me not to leave. When you allow me into your closely guarded world.

 This passion is so strong that I don’t want it to end. I want to fight for it, to keep it burning as life throws us curveballs. I want to fight for you. I want to fight for us.

I know we have both never discussed the possibility of us being together because neither of us are single, but the real reason is because we are both afraid of stepping out of our comfort zone. I am not afraid anymore. All I need is for you to say the word and I am yours. I don’t want to hide any more, I want to show the world that you are mine. I know I cannot promise to always make you happy but I can promise to always try.

Give me a chance to try Naffy.

I found this poem online and thought of you.

"Did you know that your smile saps all my energy and makes me tremble beneath my feet?
That my heart recites your heart’s linguistic tongues in silence, because spitting may taint it?
That my fears are the only thing restricting me from allowing me to share my body’s every thought?
Did you know that I like drawing your face with every corner of my brain?
That I fantasize about your laugh and correct myself when I get the tone of your voice wrong?
That my heart radiates at the slightest thought of you?
Did you know that I know you wonder if I ever think of you?
That your thoughts give you away and you find me sitting there at the centre of your dreams?
I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but I bet you didn’t know that I could write a story about how you make me feel; that my heart is brave enough to feel for you but my lips too cautious to whisper the words.

Bayo

P.s- (I probably should have typed this because on reading it over I realise I rambled, as I usually do, and there are a number of spelling mistakes)

P.p.s- I realise my handwriting gets worse as you progress. Feel free to call me to explain anything you do not understand J

Footnote- I know you know about Cynthia. I will explain it all when we talk